It doesn't come, no need, only desire
A corporeal habit only
Flash of light, hint of colour in the white
Intensity beyond bearing
Negative image as the burn remains
Was there a form? Just a blob of nothingness?
I cannot discern
Wonder, awe, adoration, imagination
Why can't I breath?
Why do I yet live?
Purpose, undiscovered.
I float above the ground
Leaf blown by the wind
In the deep of the ocean
Waves pound in the distance
Amplified by the cold
Gales howl, unheard
Currents carry me
Caressing in their madness
My madness
Why can't I breath?
Forget breath, it is not needed
Feel the power, let it feed me
Sustenance, vitality, life, death.
Tumbling toward the abyss
Darkness beyond thought
Cold beyond feeling
Why am I drawn here?
Purpose
How can there be purpose in these depths
Nothing human can survive
Crushed, frozen, senseless
I know the laws, I've broken many already
Man will not change, he does not know...
What he does not know
I catch a glimpse in this darkness
I cannot tell
It surrounds so completely
So utterly and complete as to release me of my shell
Why can I not breath?
I have no lungs
Nor blood to carry the life.
I am free and yet trapped here
I still do not resist, curiosity is my better
Deeper yet
Colder, darker
As if this was not enough already, there is more
No reference, darkness so blindingly intense
Can this be real?
This darkness is not the void once thought
Everything and nothing in concurrence
I sense the end, or the beginning
Returned in an instant
I draw a breath, sweet pain it feels now
I open my eyes, rough light grinds them raw
I feel a sadness
Cold darkness missed
Breathless wonder
Velvet arms of the deep
Struggle to recall
Forgotten before remembered
Lost as a breath exhaled
Yearning remains
Un-named.
Of all the nightmare themes I have ever had this would be amoung the worst fears, claustrophobia and suffocation. I am not fearful of those in reality though. I SCUBA dive and this reminds me, afterward, of a particular dive that I did inside a sunken overturned wooden ship. Tiny lights probing the thick blackness while exploring the unknown. Upon turning the dive and on the return trip out I turned off my light and made the journey back in the dark, feeling my way along the bottom and going by memory to find the path out. There is no darkness on land that can remotely compare to the thick blackness under water. Every breath is thunder in your ears and makes it obvious that the tenuous connection you have with life is relying on that tank and hoses on your back as well as your judgement. You feel the pressure the whole time as each breath is a conscious effort. Every exhale is distinctly marked by the sound of the regulator in your mouth and the explosion of bubbles as they race up to their own freedom above. Even your ears are filled with water so everything that you hear is strangely distorted as if listening to sounds through a sea shell.
It is exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. Lose your head and you lose your life, it is that simple down there. Very sobering experience. I love SCUBA diving, it just doesn't fit my life schedule right now.
I wrote this after supper. I sat down and typed the first words then let myself go. I do not really know if my little word association earlier had any real bearing on this or not, too hard to tell but there was some darkness in the middle of it somewhere, dreams... it doesn't really matter.
I re-read it only now out loud. Someone mentioned enjambment, having to do with little or no punctuation and it allows meaning within meaning and changes the tempo. I re-read three times and used differing implied punctuation each time, first the line breaks. Then without, once more shifting commas and periods in my head. I catch different meanings and implications. Some are directly contradictory, some are complimentary, some just shift the focus to another word.
I like the free form this allows and I considered trying to punctuate but I cannot. I choose not to choose the meanings, leaving it as fluid as the water in which I am whelmed. [;^)
Jeff.
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